BBC Unfortunate World Service

Erik Seims (NYC)

The 97th Annual Convention of Unbelievably Boring People has announced that this summer's Long Island Rail Road Babylon Branch schedule has been voted the Most Exciting Timetable of the year. Said UBP Chairwoman Joanna Tarkus, "Some trains stop at Wantagh, Bellmore and Merrick, but other trains skip those stops and go right to Freeport, Baldwin and Rockville Centre. No other schedule has the guts to do that."

For the 17,384th consecutive day, obnoxious Manhattan socialite and fashion entrepreneur Tad Froffington continues to irritate everyone he knows by not dying. Froffington, described by just about everyone as "an unbelievable prick," celebrated this new record by draping a velvet rope around himself and hiring a bouncer, so that he would not have to make contact with anyone not suitably fashionable.

The world of entertainment is mourning the loss of one of its giants today. The Pizza Guy, known for his lifetime of work accidentally delivering pizzas to the homes of scantily-clad women in pornographic movies, died today at age 46. "Nobody tried to deliver a pizza but wound up having three-way sex better than he did," said veteran adult movie star Bambi Thumper. Mr. Guy is survived by a cardboard box, a funny hat and two calzones.

Finally, the Royal Family took the opportunity of the Queen Mother's 100th birthday to once again deny that they are already dividing up her stuff. Said a Friday press release from Her Majesty's Office of Fancy Stationery, "We are absolutely, positively not deciding who should get the gold-plated armoir, or the launch codes to the missile silo in France, or the giant oak box with Hitler's head in it." However, the BBC has learned that Prince Charles already has the launch codes, and is threatening to attack Scotland if he doesn't get the armoir. His mother has reportedly threatened to ground him if he starts a nuclear war.